What Healing has (actually) looked like for me…
I always had little nudges or brief moments of knowing that there was something (more) to life. Nudges that there was something deeper going on beneath the reality of daily commutes, routines, and the playing out of what one was “supposed” to do.
It wasn’t until I was a few months away from getting married, that instead of gentle “nudges” - I got my shit rocked.
After getting engaged, moving cities, quitting my cushy career, and leaving behind all that was “known” from the life I had built up within my 26 years of doing what I was “supposed” to do...
…things very quickly began to fall apart and I was soon left completely shattered from the total demise of that relationship.
It felt like I no longer any solid footing. I was in a new city, with no career, newly single, looking for a new home to live in, a new car to drive and at the beginning of a global pandemic.
At the time, it was the darkest point in my life. I was beyond confused and whiplashed - questioning what even is reality - because everything I had been clinging to to stabilize myself was now gone. I had followed the rules, and done what I was “supposed” to do. Why did I have nothing to show for it?
Looking back, I could not be more thankful that God chose to shake up my world in the most dramatic and earth shattering fashion. I had absolutely nothing to show in a worldly or material sense for doing what I was “supposed” to do leading up to that point. But what I couldn’t see at the time, was that everything I gained from an internal sense was worth its weight in gold.
I found a completely new courage within myself. A courage to face the unknown. A courage to allow myself to take new steps, even with the sensations of fear that I was feeling in my body.
I found a completely new ability to forgive. Through much spiritual work, I have learned that nothing is ever done “to” me, rather it is always done “for” me. And I am no one’s victim. From that powerful stance I began to see the immense gifts that were given to me through being “betrayed” because it offered me the opportunity to begin to validate myself. To no longer outsource my knowing of self. To no longer place my worth in the hands of anyone else. People’s validation of you is finicky and conditional. Your complete and utter validation of self - it not.
I found humility. I stopped saying anything remotely close to “couldn’t be me”, because biiitch - it was me! Lol. I began to feel such an immense sense of interconnectedness with everyone else walking this earth. Of all the character building tools I gained during this time, I really enjoy this one most. It has become nearly impossible for me to judge another person because I can deeply sense and understand (why) they are the way they are. In the place where former judgements existed, I now get to experience pockets of curiosity and connectedness through asking questions with an open heart instead of placing quick judgements.
So you see - the “terrible” thing you are going through is oftentimes the best thing that could possibly be happening (for) you.
This dramatic and intense turn of events in my life caused me to really go inward and begin my “healing” journey. I put healing in quotes, because from my perspective...what is currently tagged as “healing” within pop-culture is actually pretty far from the truth I experienced.
When I began healing and really putting effort into meditating, praying, body work, exercising, practicing EFT, attending talk therapy sessions, doing breath work, hiring a subconscious coach, doing yoga, going to juice only retreats - I was expecting some big BOOM. Some moment that it would all CLICK and I would be saved through this huge gigantic awakening.
…and that’s just not what happened.
At first I couldn’t understand this, because it had seemed to me (from a consumer’s point of view) that again, I was doing all the things I was “supposed” to do - so where was my pay off?
…I didn’t yet understand that’s just not how it works.
Nothing comes from outside of you to save you.
You are the one who gets to save yourself through all the little moments of each day. You get to decide that the cup of coffee you pour in the morning is the best cup of coffee you ever had. You get to decide to love the people in your life with all their little flaws. You get to decide that the walk you take in your neighborhood is an exciting adventure.
So what has “healing” looked like for me if not this big exciting “BOOM”?
It’s looked a lot like - simple, but profound changes in the minutia of my everyday life.
In areas that I may have formerly self-sabotaged my work - I just no longer do.
In the moments I normally would have beaten myself up with doubts or anxious mental chatter - I just no longer do.
Instead of choosing romantic partners that can't meet my needs - I just no longer do.
In situations that I may have overextended myself and anxiously hoped friends liked me - I just no longer do.
You see, there wasn’t some great BOOM.
But the little parts of my healing that show up in my everyday life actually feel like a BOOM to me. It feels incredible to just be happy with all the simple everyday parts of life. To keep people around me who really see me & love me for me. To let my ideas flourish without allowing doubts of “not good enough” to crush them before they even get a chance to begin.
…So were all the things I did and continue to do to facilitate my healing “worth” it?
…are all the tools I continue to use to facilitate my healing going to “save” me?
No. I get to do that myself.
You use the tools to get out of your own way.
You use the tools to let go of the “drama” of life.
You use the tools to allow yourself to see what really matters.
It’s not “easy”. But it is simple.
Always done with love,
Dani Lee, Owner/Founder of D. LEE
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