I've been reluctant in writing this blog for months now, as I've been almost obsessed with figuring out the best way to say what I feel I need to say. I've been contemplating the best way to let other women know how I went about an incredible healing journey. I didn't want what I had to say to come off as a "one size fits all" because I know in my heart what a personal journey healing and recreating can be. But alas, here we are and I feel that there will be at the very least some snippets of my journey that you may be able to apply to your own.
So...2020 - it's been a year. It's been a mf year. I feel as though entire systems around us have collapsed before our very eyes - capitalism, exposure of systemic racism, media, etc. What is being revealed externally has caused shifts in us all internally. Some of us are fully aware, some of us are beginning to wake up, and some of us are adamantly trying to deny what these shifts are revealing to us about ourselves. For myself personally 2020 has been a year of massive internal awakening. I could no longer pretend that what I saw around me externally was making me happy. I was in a relationship that wasn't benefiting my highest self, I was obsessed with production and achievement, I was rarely present, and I spent a good chunk of my days feeling both anxious and pissed off.
I thankfully have always journaled a lot and it's been incredible for me to look back and read passages from the beginning of 2020 because I realize how free I am now. I cannot remember a time in my life that I have grown as exponentially as I have within the past few months - I'm talking I barely even know that girl who wrote those journal entries! I can see so clearly now that heartbreak, confusion, anxiety, and my self-proclaimed "rock-bottom" were the biggest gifts I could have ever received in this life. Years of grinding it out in school, at work, and in my relationships had left me on E. I was hustling so hard for my worth because I had never slowed down to see it. I thought it existed outside of me until I truly began to "do the work".
So that's become a cliche saying we've all heard tossed around a lot lately "do the work", right? And I dislike that it's lost some of its integrity through pop-culture on social media, but truly it's the most beneficial thing you will do within this lifetime. "The Work" will look different for everyone - it is not lock & key. I truly appreciate all the messages I receive on a daily basis asking me "How" I have done it, but I know in my heart I can't give you an answer that will work for you. It's something that you will have to discover for yourself. However I will share bits of my journey that I found extremely helpful.
I have always enjoyed therapy, but prior to 2020 I had only gone sporadically and didn't pour as much effort into it as I do now. In my early 20's I began to kind of wake up and realize that I didn't necessarily enjoy the way I was feeling every day. I was "accomplishing" a lot on the outside - rapidly climbing the corporate ladder, getting a masters degree, and engaged to be married. But I had a deep knowing within myself that there was a lot MORE for me. I didn't know exactly what it was, but I knew I had a lot more creative potential, joy, and Love to unlock within this lifetime. So I was dabbling in a bit of therapy and making some cool connections...a few little leaps and bounds. But the ultimate grandaddy of all catalysts in my healing came at the beginning of 2020. Now I don't necessarily recommend seeking out falling deeply in love and then getting your heart smashed to smithereens as the starting point for your healing journey because that shit HURTS, but if that's where you're at in life right now - Welcome, you can only go up from here :)
So my heartbreak was an amazing way for me to see that there are so many other ways for me to live my life and guess what?! I get to CHOOSE! Not to be dramatic, but let me proceed to be dramatic...I felt like a baby learning to walk. Though I was hurting, I was still so excited about what I was realizing, feeling, and learning. I was going to therapy, diving into life coaching sessions, reading all the books I could get my hands on, meditating throughout the day, journaling, and doing Hypnotherapy using a device called BrainTap.
I came across an amazing Transformational Life Coach, Tallia Deljou (@talliadeljou), who helped me work through so many blockages I didn't even realize I had! That's the funny thing about our ego...it has a wonderful way of tricking us into believing we don't have blockages. We see certain things in our life that aren't as immaculate and wonderful as we secretly wish they would be, but we just accept that "that's just life..." or "that's just the way it is...". Tallia was truly a gem in my healing journey. She shaped ideas and concepts for me in ways I had never heard and truly helped me in freeing myself from the negative belief systems I was unknowingly filtering my experience through. The work was totally transformational for me and has completely shifted my mind from "victim mode" to "I have a CHOICE in all this mode". We are sincerely co-creators in our reality and though "bad things" may occur within our life we have the CHOICE as to what that means for us. I now see my life through a lens where I know I have the power within myself to shape-shift whatever I am seeing! I forgive so much more easily now (because I forgive myself), I LOVE so much now (because I love myself), and I am finally having fun and feeling joy (because I no longer see my self-worth attached to my achievements and production).
As the Queen herself would say:
"I done leveled up now, view panoramic
None of my fears can't go where I'm headed
Had to cut 'em loose, now I'm loose, break the levee, yeah
I'm 'bout to flood on 'em"
Ladies - take it from Beyonce & myself: BREAK LOOSE. Let's heal because the other side is magic.